Sober October - Day 17

Wednesday, October 17, 2018


Well, I’m not struggling anymore, which is nice. I mean I’m looking forward to Halloween because it’ll be fun and heyyyy I like Chardonnay, but right now, I'm not craving wine in the evenings. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother and what alcohol stole from our relationship. My mom was a bright and interesting woman. She and I should have been able to talk about a lot, from politics to work to babies and everything in between. But we never could. Oh sure, when she was sober I could tell her a bit about my struggles, and she was a great listener, but that was… when she was sober. She was drunk a lot and, especially during my teenage years and in my 20s, she was a mean drunk. A violent drunk. She was drunk at my wedding and on the day my two boys were born. I left home at 15 and lived at a boarding school during the week, so I avoided a lot of her drunk evenings and rages, but I still had my share of phone calls and terrible words flung at me. I walked on eggshells at home. I couldn’t confide in her because she would throw issues back at me when she was angry. So little by little I talked less, I confided less, and after years of that, I didn’t have much to say, whether she was sober or not. I’m not upset at her -not anymore- but at the addiction, at the could-and-should-have-beens, at the loss of a relationship that I can only imagine could have been fulfilling and stabilizing.

I am not a mean drunk -at all- but I never want alcohol to take anything from the relationship I build with my children and my spouse.

1 comment:

  1. I'm proud of you. 17 days is significant and you are not repeating any cycles! You are YOU. You've carved your own path in life and in your relationships. That is an accomplishment in itself. Keep it up!

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